Wal-Mart: Exposed

    Berlin 1945: The eminent fall of the Nazi regime is finalized with the supposed suicide of Adolf Hitler. Unbeknownst to most of the world, the history books are in fact, wrong. Hitler was secretly cryogenically frozen, hidden away in underground vaults alongside Walt Disney. He was unleashed in 1960 to yet again, begin global domination. Failed attempts with military gave him the idea for a much sneakier, effective, but slower reign over the world.


    Arkansas 1962: The first Wal-Mart is opened as 'Waltons'. A small store in a small town, a perfect place to have as a cover as he works on his plans. Why take over the world with brute force and conflict, when you can just make a multi-billion dollar corporation to control it? At this time, the first associate is hired, Sam Walton, who is given complete run of the store, unknowingly serving Hitler's future plans.

          Wal-Mart now has over 1,200 stores worldwide, all in key locations on every continent, all over our planet. When a Wal-Mart is refused access to a town, and money won't talk, they simply erect it outside city limits and let the town move to them. Today this empire is quite frankly unstoppable.

Adolf Hitler, Founder and CEO



    Think this is a little far fetched, don't you? It's so unbelievable it can't be true, well that's just what they want you to think. But you haven't even heard all of it yet. A murky swamp of primordial ooze sits asides one of the first Satanic churches of the world. A place of evil (and to some, limitless unholy power) where preaching's of Aleister Crowley, and the writing of the Necronomicon and Lexicon have taken place. Today all you will find in that spot is a Wal-Mart. Everyone knows Hitler had beliefs in the supernatural and macabre, so what better way to help your evil empire than to praise Satan, and erect churches in his honour. Every Wal-Mart is in fact a Satanic church, disguised as a simple retail store.

   Every morning before the store opens, all associates gather for a Black Mass. This gathering consists of letting the minions know how the world domination scheme is proceeding, how many new souls have been claimed by their sect, Satanic mantras, prayers and chants, and the sacrificing of an infant. These morbid acts help give Wal-Mart the favour of the Devil, which helps the corporation grow like a mouldy fungus on the face of the earth. These horrific facts have empowered me to go undercover and unearth the horrible truth behind the enemy.

Artist's rendition of meetings

This picture has in no way been modified

     Braving through this endeavour, and putting myself at extreme risk, I have returned to tell of the horrors I have endured, unfortunately crippled (Misbehaving is punishable by blood, I really don't want to go in to that, it's too hard) I have survived to tell you, the unwary people of the world.

    The first thing that immediately set my radar off was a posting for a distress hotline right by the punch-in clock, for depression, stress, and overwhelming suicidal ambition. I didn't realize at the time just how ominous that sign should've been.



  An amazing discovery made was the practices of keeping costs low to conserve money for building the regime, henceforth known as the Fourth Reich. Associates are paid at the minimum legally allowed by the district, any raise or bonus given is in fact deducted on their computer system by erasing hours, the minions of course are too depressed and weary to notice this. Products are mainly bought by Wal-Mart owned sweatshops in China, then inflated cost-wise largely at stores, still cheaper than anywhere else but only by cents to destroy the competition and maintain a wealthy income. Associates are so desperate to stay alive on their shoestring budget, they will do all their shopping at Wal-Mart, just to save 50 cents.

Wal-Mart Satanic sect

Typical associates badge, magnified

    The most shocking discovery I made however is how they power their stores. Every associate's name badge is implanted with a microscopic chip and transmitter. Once through the threshold, the chip transfers the energy of the clueless employee to large generators located deep under the store. These mammoth turbines suck the energy and will of the employees, and turns it in to electricity for the store. As more associates become drained and depressed, the lights become dimmer and dimmer, these associates will either leave, or are dealt with when their resources have been fully sapped (As I will get to later on) only to be replaced by fresh gullible batteries. Why pay Hydro when you can just extract the life-force of you employees?

Artist's rendition of underground generators

    The vast caves of machinery however are not self-sufficient. They need to be maintained for maximum efficiency, at minimal costs. These machines are manned by mole people, associates so depressed and mentally deranged they begin to change physically. These people are relocated underground to forever toil in the dark dank caves until they are no longer human. "Ajay didn't come back from lunch yesterday, I guess he must've walked off the job...". Every time it's always the same, nobody questions their whereabouts, everyone's so utterly drained they just assume the victim finally got fed up and quite without telling anyone. During my investigation, over 50 people had disappeared! Not a single one was questioned, I couldn't believe it. But even mole men need sustenance to stay alive, how could Wal-Mart supply this without spending any money?


    Just like the previous Nazi invasions, the Allies came in to put a stop to the tyranny. Who were these people? Everyday citizens like you and I, that fought for the rights of the people to stop the Nazi machine. Today that fighting force is embodied as The Union, people that stand up and battle for the rights and freedoms of us everyday Joes. Many of these people, like myself, will go undercover and try to fight from the inside. Little do they realize however, that Hitler learned from his previous mistakes, and is not only expectant, but prepared for these spies.

Assistant Managers

    Every store is given an 'Anti-Union' package consisting of a jet for reinforcements, a counterspy van to track Union activities in the parking lot, anti-union cameras for the store (Not the obvious black theft cameras, these ones are equipped with microphones and are strategically hidden throughout) and a feed-chute to the caverns below. A feed-chute? That's right, a sort of dumbwaiter that transports food to the underground denizens. How does this fit in with The Union you might ask, just think about it.

    When confirmation of a pro-union associate (or an associate who has been completely drained of his life-force) is green lit, the associate is led to one of these cleverly hidden 'graves'. They are then assaulted and thrown in to the chute. This process is called, 'Giving an associate The Shaft'. Our poor freedom fighters and morbidly depressed friends are, in fact, food for the hideous abominations below. Another way to save money, and deal with an imposing threat at the same time.

Employee getting 'The Shaft'

Actual Wal-Mart Union ballot

   Every so often The Union does successfully infiltrate the store, bring hope and realization to the minion's eyes, and recruit the men as new fighters. Once enough people have converted, the store will become a 'lost cause' and Hitler will shut it down and withdraw whatever army is left to rebuild somewhere else. These victories unfortunately are far and few between, but small victories are still, nonetheless, victories.



    Not every associate is some sort of Satanic Nazi are they? The answer is of course, no. Everyday people with ordinary needs trying to live an ordinary life, the batteries of the store faithfully existing to do nothing more than continue their existence. There are Nazi spies in the midst of the rankings, some are genetic experiments, some are mole men who have adapted and regained basic yet loyal thinking capabilities. These grotesque goblinesque humanoids pretend to be like you and I, secretly watching for Union and Misbehavers like myself. It was upon this discovery I decided to withdraw, a tangle with a brute unmatched in power (but thankfully lacking in brain cells) was luckily only able to slightly maim me before I escaped.

    This is a wary word to all, at all costs avoid Wal-Mart. Remember you are supporting Hitler, murder, experimentation, depression, sweat shops, baby sacrificing, Devil worship and world domination! Please think twice next time you need to shop, there are plenty of holier alternatives for retail bargains (you just may end up paying an extra 50 cents, remember this). If you must from sheer addiction and inability to think for no one but yourself, be on the lookout for the things I have mentioned... If you pay close attention, I bet you'll catch sight of something grotesque lurking in the shadows of the store, keeping tabs on you.

Fuck You Wal-Mart, Period.