Vulgar: A New Fear of Clowns

Three steaming turds, that says it all right there.

    There are some pretty decent Kevin Smith involved movies out there. Clerks – Dogma – Mallrats – Chasing Amy… It’s some pretty funny stuff. When I saw “Kevin Smith’s Vulgar” on the shelf we all agreed it looked rather great. A party clown that’s had enough and gets his revenge… dope. Although not what I was expecting, this movie was still, disturbing enough to watch.

    Although not characters they usually portray, we still get the actors of Jay, Silent Bob, and Dante, as I know them, plus probably some more.


    I wanted a domestic party clown that gets pissed and goes postal, but I was in for a little surprise. It starts of innocent enough, guy that can’t pay his rent or his mum’s old person home rent. Drives a shitty car, has shitty abusive neighbors, gets assaulted by miscreants with water balloons… it’s chuckle inducing.

    Until our clown (Mr. Flappy) gets a great idea for some new gigs. He’ll dress up as a transvestite with a clown mask to be a practical joke at a bachelor party, and he’ll change his clown name to ‘Vulgar’. Well this ought to prove for some hysterical acts, wouldn’t you think? Well Vulgar heads out for his first gig, and upon entering gets assaulted.

    Enter old man and his two sons, skinny gay and fat gay. The next 15 odd minutes involve video taping the action as they force feed alcohol into Mr. Flappy, get him to recite homosexual remarks, feed him genitals and for the grand finale, brutally rape him in the ass; rounds for everybody on the house.

    That’s right folks. About 15 minutes of homosexual clown rape. There’s a fetish inducing sight.

    Too humiliated to report it to anyone, he confides in his friend and tries to bury the past, to dawn the Mr. Flappy mantle yet again (with the pressure of a lil’ kid), and continue his party clown lifestyle. Upon his first gig back, a little girl is being held hostage by her abusive father. The Clown be pissed yo. He grabs a sledgehammer, and sneaks around the back of the house. ‘About time!’, we say, in hopes that he’s gonna thwomp the dad, and maybe get some whacks in on the kiddo. Instead he sneaks in through a window, tackles the father down outside, and saves the day. Hmm. Oh well, it’s a clown, so it’s funny.

    Hit with fame he gets his own TV show, merchandise, and becomes filthy stinkin’ rich. Proving that being a clown can indeed pay off in the end; if you have a giant set of clown balls and poor anger management after being mauled in the ass.

    We get some more visits between him and his mom, which although funny at first, turn somewhat annoying as we get to watch the same abuse his bitch mother deals to him while he takes it like a sissy. Until finally, we get the long awaited phone call from his ass-raping assailant. He wants money; otherwise he spills the beans and shows the tape, to prove to the world that Mr. Flappy, “Likes to suck cock.”

    Well Mr. Flappy doesn’t want to be confrontational, nor does he want the world to know that by eating cock he didn’t mean a rooster. He pays a handsome fee, only to find he’s been gypped. Now, the homo family wants another ‘visit’ from him, as he’d been the purdiest ass they’d had.

    Now, him and his friend, both armed with pistols, set to ambush the greasy pricks and finish it once and for all. ‘About time!’, we say again, in hopes that he’s gonna go AWOL and blast some freaks. Instead he forgets to turn off the safety, and is about to get his ass raped some more. Fat gay, being the least intelligent of the bunch, blows his own freakin’ brains out. We are treated with a lovely seen of a face gushing a geyser of blood, very cool, but I wanna see the clown do some killing!

    Next his buddy being held hostage by a bum busts in, only to have the mugger bum shot, and shoot back killing skinny gay. Daddy gay is pissed but makes a run for it, being quickly pursued by Mr. Flappy. ‘Go Flappy, kick his ass!’, we holler, and the clown takes the father down without prejudice. He holds a gun, and doesn’t shoot, letting us again feel gypped that our clown hero is too much of a wuss to fend for himself. Instead the dad has a massive heart attack and dies at his feet. The clown cries, either because the bad man died or because he stalled too long to shoot his ass, I’m assuming the latter.

Oh yes, and anyone who didn’t die lived happily ever after, the end.

    Expecting this to be a postal clown revenge movie, I was disappointed. But if you wanna see more of a drama with horribly disturbed stereotyped homosexuals and see a 15 minute clown rape scene, it’s pretty good I guess. I will also give extreme points to the end of the credits in this film.

    All in all, my view on this movie is, a tossed salad (pun intended). You don’t know whether to feel dirty or feel gypped. Maybe both.