Standard routine for a Wednesday night, one good one bad movie, similar themes. So we pick up Dark Castle's 'Ghost Ship', presumably our good movie (which by the way, t'was) and hunted around to make use of our free rental. Then a box, well, caught my attention. A pack of melty-faced nazis with aviator goggles staring menacingly at me. "SHOCK WAVES" a 1977 supposed horror flick. Now for bad movies, we enjoy so-bad-it's-funny, not, so-bad-I-wanna-vomit bad. Again we had misjudged. We weren't too sure if it was going to be funny bad enough, until I pointed out the critic's saying on the box cover, "The best of the Nazi Zombie movies." Cheesy gore and hilarious German zombies, this has gotta be a riot.
I was wrong.
Before you wonder how this fit in with our Ghost Ship theme, I'll point out the fact that these are Seamen Nazi Zombies, but just don't ask me why Seaman Nazi's are wearing aviator goggles. Anyways, it all starts off innocently enough with a dirty girl in a dingy being rescues by two big black fishermen, she flashes back, and this happens. A small cruise boat with a scarce amount of crew/passengers, floats... in the water, on a tour. Then, out of nowhere, the sun lights up everything YELLOW! My GOD, the humanity! They stare at the sun and start freaking out as to why this is happening. They keep trying to bother the captain as to what's going on, but he won't say anything about it. Yes, we are confused by this.
Their compass is busted, it's dark, they're sailing, a giant ship with no lights rams in to them, they are sinking no casualties. Damn. By this time, I was already only interested in this because our main actress does nothing but skimp around in a bikini, the rest of the cast was already bugging the fuck out of me by either being really annoying, having bad acting, or just being ugly... and no I don't care how old that actress must be now, so hush.
Oh no, captain's missing. Look at me care. They hop in a lifeboat and paddle their way to the island, conveniently located close by. By this time, we notice the remains of a giant ship, dead and hollow in the water... ohhh, spooky. The skeletal remains of the ship are referred to as a 'Ghost Ship' throughout the movie, and it kept bugging me as I would've much rather watched that other movie again instead.
As they paddle in, they get to see the body of their dead captain through the glass bottom of their boat. We don't know why he's there, we don't care. We also don't question why the bottom of the lifeboat is transparent, or just how convenient it is that of all the places in the ocean for the body to be, they just happen to pass right over it. They come ashore, and I realize that this is more Gilligan's Island than a horror flick. Monkey Boy climbs a tree and sees a big hotel, the only building on the desolate island, way off in the distance. Our heroes run to the dilapidated hotel and take shelter, safety will soon ensue.
Then a freaky Nazi commander bellows his mighty voice to the rest. You see, he lives here. He warns them they must leave, and make haste, and tells them where they can find a boat... and then he (ohh-ee-oo) disappears. But we are then treated to watching NAZI ZOMBIES pop out of the water and stride about underwater with great ease, and we just watch them... pop up... and walk... and it's really not scary, just boring.
The cook heads off for fresh water, but is confronted by an evil Nazi. Reeling in terror he stumbles upon some sea urchins but unfortunately all we get is a scream and a scene cut, averted gore, and I am disappointed. Clutched in the hand of the dead man is the SS insignia, so our heroes confront the commander on what it means. We get a story of how zee Germans created soldiers called, The Death Corps (still not impressed) that are not quite dead, not quite... alive, that could take down Allied forces with just their bare hands, and survive in any condition or environment. The commander lead a sea based squad for underwater combat, and after the war, sunk his ship off the coast and has lived in voluntary exile ever since.
But finally, the zombies awaken, and drown their leader. I will point out now, there is no gore. Our superhuman undead Nazis cannot maim or rip with their bare hands, only drown their victims, and get nudged over and ran away from quite easily. Unfortunately, our fucking idiot heroes do not realize that if they just stay away from the water, they cannot be killed! Damn I hate stupid people, I'm scared so I'm gonna run through the middle of the forest, y'know, along the river. Fuck. Also, in an attempt to split using the boat, they are attacked by Nazis, and must let go of the boat for three seconds. During those three seconds, they boat floats a million miles off in to the ocean. So they put their tail between their legs, and make haste back to the suave Nazi Inn, and the really annoying used care salesman finally bites it, I am glad.
Holed up in a walk-in fridge, they decide to hold off and get some sleep. Too bad 'ol Chucky's claustrophobic! He snaps, pulls a flare gun on them and forces them to let him out. Over much controversy, they finally let him out, and slam the door on his hand which in turn, fire the flare gun inside, which in turn smokes everyone out. Chuck runs, nudges a zombie over, then falls into a pool where a zombie just so happens to be waiting to DROWN someone. Monkey boy dies. More running, hiding, zombie chasing ensues, and it's all really boring. By the end our annoying car salesman's wife, heroine, and hero love interest (I think?) hop in a dingy and fly off. The recent widow gets drowned, I still don't care. They escape the mad island and on the way damn zombies keep popping up from the water, which results in our heroes death, leaving just the girl floating off in the water.
One plus, is that the nazis look kinda neat, and watching them repeatedly coming out of the water to bad music was sorta funny, but that's all that really made me laugh. A real annoying synth score, that pierced my ears and overtook any current dialogue - Example: Doo dee doo doo. Doo dee doo doo. Doo DOO DOO! That and the ominous thunderclaps in mid conversations, along with the lack of Brooke's top coming off, proves this to be an, ugh, oh God why are such things created!?
- "Deep. Deeper. Deepest. SHOCK WAVES, it's something, else."
You have to hear it to fully understand how cheesy this shit sounds. Go watch Ghost Ship instead, where we get about 50 people cut gorily in half in the first opening minutes, cool actors, and a great rock&roll / suave dance score. I smile. That or get Agent Blaskowitz in there to blast some zombie and Nazi ass, a la Wolfenstein.