First we have the video games: Pocket Monster (The original Japan release in two different versions), Pokemon Silver, Pokemon Gold, Pokemon Yellow, Pokemon Black, Pokemon Ruby, Pokemon Red, Pokemon Sapphire, Pokemon Blue, Pokemon Snap, Pokemon Stadium, Pokemon Stadium 2 (Why oh why is there a sequal??), Pokemon Puzzle, Hey You Pikachu [Amazed at the fact it doesn’t have Pokemon in the title], Pokemon Card Game, and Pokemon Pinball. Am I missing any? I’ll also point out the fact that they are also strongly present in the Smash Brothers series.
Wow. That is a LOT of shit. Why the hell are there so many different colors? It’s the same Goddamn game! It’s just so this way they can take parents for all they’re worth.
Mom: Billy, you already have six different colours, why do you need another?
Billy: Because there’s a different Pokemon in this one.
Mom: You don’t expect me to buy you another $80 game just because of that I hope?
Billy: I want it! I need it mommy! If you don’t I’m gonna tell my teacher you belt me and throw me down the stairs.
Mom: You disrespectful little pup! You do and I’ll tell all your friends that you still wet the bed!
Billy: I HATE you mommy! I HATE you and hope you DIE! [Crying ensues]
Pokemon, tearing families apart since 1996.
Now yes, I own Pokemon Snap and Hey You Pikachu. I will state I did NOT NOT NOT pay for these, nor did I steal them, so we’ll just leave it at that. Hey You Pikachu is currently in my box of stuff to pawn, but I will admit I’ve decided to keep Snap, just incase I decide my life is no longer worth living and suicide just isn’t good enough for me. But honestly, There’s nothing special or magical about these games, it’s just some hentai zoophiliac’s fantasy accidentally stumbling into a videogame craze.
They do however have some pro’s. The fact that little Billy is too busy playing his Pokemon games for you [The Parent] to have to worry about stumbling in on him discovering his own genitals or playing doctor with his friends. It also can be a great punishment of, “If you don’t behave, I’ll take all your Pokemon games away you worthless sack of sperm.” However, I cannot endorse the fact that paying an atrocious $50-$80 for those simple luxuries is worth it. I’d rather suggest you buy your kid some Penthouse mags and a play-doctor kit for his pleasure, and a new leather belt for your use to keep the little shit in line.
Now, lets see what else this franchise has decided to suck us for. Next on the list is, the card game. My stomach turns just typing that out. The lords of the multi-million dollar pressing hut, Wizards of the Coast, decided that they should have their fair share on this, because Magic: the Gathering wasn’t bringing in enough millions. This is just like the rainbow varied video games, only in card format. The logic depicted is this: Mommy’s had enough of her son’s sass, and refuses to spend $80 on a shitty 4”x4” cartridge. Billy now uses the beautiful tactic of price bargaining.
Mom: Now what?
Billy: I don’t want that game anymore. I just stole it from that cripple at school. Can I have this instead?
Mom: Billy I told you, I’m not gonna spend my hard worked street money to buy you any of that silly Pokemon stuff.
Billy: But mom, it’s only five dollars.
Billy: Please mom, it’s real cheap. Orrrrr, if you buy me that fifteen dollar starter deck I promise I won’t bother you for a few weeks… and tell anyone that you touched me there when you came home smelling like pee pee and gin.
Mom: Well. That isn’t so bad. Sure, go grab whichever one you want.
Now Billy and Mom are both rather content with this. However there is a dangerous predator lurking about. It’s name, is ‘repetitiveness’. Billy does this every week or so, until he has a small army of cards, perhaps even swelling pass that to end up being the reigning champion at school of who has taken their parents for the most by means of blackmail and trickery in order to gain these cards. Eventually, Mom is going to spend a hell of a lot more than $80 on this shit on the fact that it’s just so gradual, and she is so completely ignorant as to how these franchises have brainwashed our children in to influential marketing puppets.
Anyways, lets see what else we have here. Ohh yes, the cartoon, can’t forget that. Staring our pubeless hero Ash Ketchem, and friends Missy (Who dresses like a slut), Brock (Who has no eyes) and their favorite Pokemon, Pikachu (A yellow rat). They must face the constant villains of Team Rocket; consisting of Jessie (Who dresses like a fucking hooker), James (Who is a complete chickenshit) and their favorite Pokemon Meowth (A greedy cat that is the only one to possess the ability to speak English). They fuck about trying to capture new and ‘exciting’ Pokemon in the world, foil their nemesis Team Rocket, and have lame Pokemon battles; hoping that one day, Ash will become a ‘Pokemon Master’ and ruler of the universe, or something.
Now, funny in my eyes, is that it didn’t take long for Digimon to pop up on TV. So all those stupid digi-pets everyone owned, now had their own TV show which, in all fairness, looks just as stupid as any Pokemon I’ve ever had my poisoned eyes set upon.
And then, we all knew it was going to happen. It was as unavoidable as The Brady Bunch Reunion. They made, a movie. Like a festering wound, the cleverly titled ‘Pokemon: The First Movie’ spread it’s flesh-eating-esk disease to spawn a series of movies. ‘Pokemon: The Movie 2000’, ‘Pokemon 3: The Movie’, ‘Pokemon 4ever’, ‘Mewto Returns’, and the upcoming blockbuster ‘Pokemon 5: The Movie’. Like it’s rainbow spectrum of video game counterparts, I have a feeling this all just seems like the same movie, just with newer and more exciting Pokemon to watch.
But why stop at a movie? You can’t have a movie if you don’t have a soundtrack; that’s like Spaghetti without O’s. So yes, they made a fucking cd to go along with their ‘big screen debut’. Of course, like the movies, they couldn’t just stop at ‘one’ cd. No no, you see there’s a bloody series of them. If I ever find someone where their age minus 10 giving a positive number listening to this shit, I will be forced to execute a fury of actions that cannot be discussed on a Tripod website.
Music Inspired by Pokemon - For people who felt somehow inspired to write music about love and determination by watching little creatures blast the shit out of eachother.
Pokemon: 2.B.A. Master - 2 Help Aur Kidz Lern 2 Spel. Containing the Pokemon Dance Mix (now that’s trendy and hip kids) and the Pokerap, which seems to be a misspell of Pokecrap, as rap and Pokemon together is like irritable bowels and ten cans of Stag Chili.
Pokemon: The First Movie, 2000, and The Ultimate Soundtrack - Soundtracks from the movies. I especially love how they tagged ‘The Ultimate Soundtrack’ as a suffix to what must be one of the worst purchases any parent could make on a cd.
Pokemon World - Which is a lovely THREE TRACK containing two horrible songs concluded with an instrumental of the last. I’m surprised they didn’t make all the cd’s two or three songs, that way millions of ignorant kids would buy tons of these just to have all the music. Or, to follow the whole game’s colour scheme, make Pokebattles turn out different depending on what cd you’re listening to. There’s marketing and profit to be done here.
Pokemon: Best Collection - As opposed to the worst. I’m really unsure how ‘best’ and ‘Pokemon’ really fit together here, but somehow they think some of these cds contain ‘good’ music and that they need to make a new cd with all the music you already own on to one ‘convenient’ cd.
And to be perfectly blunt, there’s well over two dozen more of these things, there’s almost as many fucking cds as there are Pokemon themselves. It’s just sickening.
But the Pokemon influence didn’t just stop there. What else happens when a major children’s show hits top? Why like any self-respecting franchise there must be food! Pokemon candies, Pokemon cookies, Pokemon cury for fuck sake (which is pictured above), and so forth. But having their own food wasn’t good enough. They had to piggyback to other foods, get support from other large chains to distribute their drugs around the world, at places like Burger King, Pizza Hit, even the innocent Danone Yogurt. Wherever Pikachu’s face was shown, little kids would stop and quiver with an unquestioningly close to orgasmic fascination and want.
The influence was felt all over the world. Soon it wasn’t cool to do drugs in school anymore, you were only cool if you had Pokemon labeled on all your stationary. Pokemon pencils, notepads, glue, rulers, scissors, backpacks and so on, flooded in to our school system uncontrolled until it was the poor marijuana smoking kid with the leather jacket and Speed Racer lunchbox that was ruined and humiliated. Pokemon had successfully turned the righteous order of the schoolyard belly up and rewrote the rules in a rather unfavorable manor.
It didn’t take long for me to sense a kid with Pokemon was nearby. I’d turn my head and there’s a spoiled brat with a Pokemon hat, or shirt, or coat, or coin purse, or balloon, or keychain, or digipet, or clutching a big Pikachu stuff toy in his arms. The sight made me sick. Like watching Chyna attempt a striptease, it made me question how much I really needed the sense of sight.
Posters filled kids rooms, bed sheets and pillows were strewn about, squeeze toys were littering the floor, unfinished Pokemon puzzles left on their desks, books on collecting and understand the Pokemon universe invading their shelves, and even mom couldn’t resist the ‘Pokemon china dishes’. How humiliating is that when ‘breaking out the fine china’ is actually marked precariously with Pokemon paraphernalia.
Then it got really depressing. I stumbled upon information on people that actually play dress up like their favorite Pokemon characters. No no, other than kids. Full grown adults that like to cross dress or pretend they’re a giant yellow rat. I quickly logged off the net in fear I’d eventually stumble upon a Pokemon porn site, and then I’d have to adopt a life of celibacy forever. However, I will admit:
If Pokemon was anything like this I may just be turned around on the subject.
In the end, everyone will feel the effects this infant disease has brought upon our children, until one day Japan will overthrow all hope for Transformers Ghostbusters and Turtles, leaving us with squinty-eyed cartoon characters that battle fuzzy non-animalic beasts that can only say their name and piss on your shoes.
For anyone who hates Pokemon as much as I, and for all the parents of ‘Billys’ out there, here’s a picture of Pikachu that appears to be fucking a pokeball. Enjoy!
The word ‘Pokemon’ was mentioned 55 times in this article.