|The Villians of DooM|
The game that revolutionized all first-person-shooters. I fell in love with this game the first time I saw it, on a computer screen
out front of Radio Shack. I started playing and just adored it, although had no idea what it was. Awhile down the road my friend had it, and we’d play it every day after school, and it was this game that forced me to whine and beg my parents for my first computer… Okay well I used to have a Commodore64, but I don’t count that. It didn’t take long until we wanted to build a DooM of our own, and it soon led to our spending years on Hellcore… which sadly after eight years or so, still isn’t done.
Anyways, if anybody is actually reading this, the following is a list of the ever
bad ass (and not so bad ass) villains of the DooM community.
|The Zombie Private aka ‘Pea Shooter’:|
The fodder of the series. Green hair, yellow eyes, everything a girl dreams of. Wielding a pistol, stupidity, and a lot of grunting, these guys are here for one reason only: to meet the barrel of your gun. Our hero has no qualms about striking down his fellow comrades, because our hero is tough shit. Bearing a striking resemblance to the people that service my car and serving me the wrong food, I had barrels of fun just thwomping on these clowns, and exacting my horrible rage stricken on me from the world.
If you die to one of these guys, you suck. With only the exception of Tildeth.wad Map17. But onwards…
Appeantly being a
sergeant meant you had to shave that green mohawk and take out those yellow contacts for some red ones. Yeah these guys are
bad ass, I mean, they’re wearing black. Similar in all aspects to their privates (heh.. heh) with the only exception that they have a sig-cow. It doesn’t matter if in game or movie, a zombie with a shotgun is just awe inspiring. (Watch 'Dawn of the Dead' and you'll understand)
I guess after being promoted to commando, you began to pack on pounds. Or ultra-slim bars were no longer included in your rations tin. However, when you're carrying around a gun like that, I guess you don't have to move a hell of a lot. This dude tools around with a chaingun lovely decorated by the lugging ammo wrapped around his arm. Of course a little tougher than the peons under him, but if anything I’ve learned from horror, it’s that zombies are only good in hordes, otherwise they just moan and plainly suck.
Leather skinned brown hell spawn covered with spikes. These are the kinds of creatures I love to implant into
children's minds as the Boogeyman. Having taken lessons from Ken Masters himself, these guys are able to toss fireballs from thin air. They hiss, they spit, and that should tell you enough that they’re evil right there. Armed with rippling daemon muscles, they are also very inclined to claw your ass with their spiky claws... or show off that tight daemon ass they’ve been working for so long on.
|Demon aka 'Piglet':|
Now here’s a clever ploy. Hell sends a pack of pig-like creatures to eat you, knowing damn well you’ll be too busy laughing to try and fend them off. Couldn’t we associate something a little more evil and scary to the word ‘Demon’ than a bright pink pig walking on two legs with stubby 'lil arms? I would half expect to turn on the Nature Channel or Nation Geographic only to see
today's special is: “The Mating habits of the Demon”. I think the only fear these guys would induce, would be on the zoophiliacs. Then again, picturing little Sally-Horsefucker stare at her director as this happy 'Mutated Winnie the Pooh Friend' hops out of the stable does put a small smile on my face.
It would appear that Hell wisened up over how silly their whole Demon thing was, and instead re-deployed a force of invisible Piglets. Having nothing different from Demons except for the whole Predator like invisibility, it leaves me with very little to say here. So what I’m gonna do is just ramble on for a bit assuming you guys aren’t even reading this, just sorta skimming, maybe looking at the pretty pictures and convincing yourself that you don’t need to read descriptions from such an old game. Look, I bet you won’t even catch this. Hollow water pig water, rah rah rah. Loosely foosely drinks his milk goosely, and I still don’t give a damn. I can’t believe it’s not butter, nutter, futter roo. Alright, this is long enough now, so here’s my ending statement: Oh well,
at least they’re part of a complete breakfast.
|Lost Soul aka 'Skully':|
Every game, and I mean every game, has to have it’s annoying enemy. This one is no exception. Enter, Lost Soul. A flaming skull that flies around and tries to bite you. These guys are just a bloody nuisance, popping up while trying to deal with ‘actual’ enemies. Of course, Heaven forbid you’re using a rocket launcher, as these guys like to scream right towards you at high speeds,
kamikaze themselves at the hope that you will be stupid enough to blow your own stupid ass up. Note: I have blown my own stupid ass up numorous times.
On to the meat of the game. These guys are
semi-bad ass. They claw, they scream, and they whip plasma balls at you… obviously taking their lessons from Ryu instead; wise choice. Fun to fight and generally easy to kill, but if you’re hit prepare for a real bad hurt. Besides, these guys have wicked death scenes. I mean, their stomachs explode out, and their top torso bends backwards. Then their body
crumples to the floor while their intestines and guts lay atop their corpse. But they are in no way positively comparable to the --
|Baron of Hell:|
hell spawn smoked, this guy would be zooming along with a stogie in his mouth. They’re big, mean, and wanna show you just what sorta shit you’re in for. The first time I heard one of these guys scream, I leapt. I mean, here I am killing some invisible piglets, when all of a sudden an ear shattering “GRAAAAHHHH” pours from my speaks. It doesn’t just stop there, no no, you see it was TWO of them. Here I am with a sig-cow and low ammo, and two big red screaming daemons are after me. These guys can take some punishment, and deal a fair amount of their own at the same time. Bonus points are also given for their tres chic death scream - A blood curling roar that gives you that moral boost, that certain ‘I could do this in real life’ outlook.
Fat. Ugly. Can’t roar because it’s sounds like it has a half-digested baby working up it’s throat. (The three pre-requisites of working in a Whalley McDonalds too.) Instead of hands it has two giant cannons that spray fireballs
every which way. Their fat pretentious hide is near annoying to take on with small arms fire, and this guy provides a great distraction while littler less threatening daemons take potshots at you while trying to dodge his flames. It also looks like that chick I met at the club one night... I tell ya, everything looks better in the dark.
A big red floating ball with one eye. The fun doesn’t stop there either. They also spit electric balls from their mouth, because not all daemons have to spit the stereotypical fire, do they? A real annoying creature back in the days when
mouselook didn’t exist. They guys sound like angry cats when they see you, hissing like you just stepped on their tail... or head. And when they die? Well, I don't think I can explain it properly, sort of a gargling of soapy vaginal discharge… maybe toss a little of that digested baby in there too.
A giant brown floating ball this time. These guys don’t bother with electricity or fire though, huh uh. Remember the really annoying creature I was complaining about above? Well yeah, this oversized owl pellet spits them out! What I really love about this guy is that even if you kill his ass dead before he spits anything out, he still pops a few out as he explodes, I guess just as sort of a final, ‘Fuck you’ to our
Oh this guy’s a classic. A skeleton with a backset homing rocket pack, and (according to the books
at least, not the actual pictures) wearing a pair of ratty boxing shorts. This is what Tyson will be when he kicks the bucket,
villainous bastard. Why oh why must all the enemies scream or hiss so loudly? This
boy scout fires, can you guess it? Homing rockets, yay! But that’s not where all the fun ends, if you manage to evade his oh-so-painful rockets and move in to attack, be warned of the boxer shorts! Remember, this is Tyson we’re talking about, his bite is worse than his bark. He winds up and lets loose with a mighty punch that’ll leave your screen a lovely shade of oxygenated blood red. Why do his missiles remind me of flaming sperm? Not that I've actually seen that or anything.
By far, the absolute coolest and freakiest daemon of all. Does he scream or hiss? Oh Hell no. This bad boy makes a sort of a
windy wind-up noise upon noticing your intrusion. He will hunt around the level, raising the bodies of his dead comrades, and if you even think about stopping him he’ll cast an eight foot flame on you. If you’re hit, consider yourself dead. So you want to avoid this guy? Well run, run away you chickenshit. You’ll have to listen to him for the rest of the level, because as he’s hunting you down, he constantly lets a out a little sinisterly eerie and quiet laugh. This guy’s voice gives me chills to this day, kudos to ID.
It’s a robot. It’s a spider. It has a wonton monkey brain for a body. And that gun under it’s head? Why that’s a plasma gun. While spilling out a stream of plasma for you to stumble into, it makes its presence known to you by way of wailing robotic sounds and high pitch plasma firing. "Hi, my names Astar,
plasma hurts. I can put my arm back on, you can't, so play safe." or something.
A mammoth spider, err well a giant brain with robotic legs. And who needs a plasma gun strapped under you when you have a
hyper speed chaingun that never misses its mark? Frankly though, this guy’s pretty easy if you have something to keep hiding behind. This thing's wakeup scream is like listening to a rapper scratch static, making me wish I hadn't cranked the volume so high. And for death you ask? Well like all giant robotic brains, it's blows up into nothingness.
The grand-daddy of DooM history. Standing at about two stories tall, this guy has a lovely deep roar, to let you know that he doesn’t appreciate you trampling through his rose garden (daemon's have emotions too, okay?). All you’ll here from this guy is a mechanical stomping as he wanders around, and if he sees you? Well you see that metal rocket launcher-esk thing he has for an arm? Well can you guess what it is? It’s a rocket launcher! Upon picking his target a slew of three rockets will spill from it to eviscerate his target. Let’s not also forget, this guy is as tough as a coffin nail. He can take a beating, but of course he can, he’s two stories tall!
He's two stories tall!
Whaddya get when you finally blast the last round of your shotty into him? Well like all demons who get hit with normal bullets, he explodes! And explode he does,
emitting a deafening death roar, and leaving only two bloody stumps of feet in the ground.
The Devil aka 'Satan' aka
'Face in the Wall':
Is this even suppose to be the Devil? I dunno, a goat head that’s ten times the size of a movie screen would scream Satan to me. As noted above, it’s a friggin goat head bound to a wall, with various pipes and wires peeling it’s flesh about. Now with all bad guys they of course have their flaws. This one’s being the giant canvas in his forehead that is all pulled back to expose his brains. Asides from the really cool voice this guy has, that’s about it. He spits out little death cubes that turn into a random enemy (a
bad ass one, not the shitty ones) when they hit a surface, and he has an even more
deafening death scream than a Cyberdemon. Of course, the effect wouldn’t be complete without it being a gargly roar, as if all daemons must gargle babies and vaginal discharge to be truly evil. His opening phrase, “oremornhoj emtaefedts umuoy emageht niw-ot” or something, sounds really
bad ass evil and cool, until of course you rip it and play it backwards…