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Fear Dot Com

    This is about the time my respect for Stephen Dorff was completely diminished. I guess after the big success with Blade he felt he could stoop himself to the lowest common denominator.

    I gathered up all my friends and made them come with. After seeing the previews I thought to myself, “Finally, a horror movie that looks decent. About time!” So we got our tickets and I made haste to the theater, making sure I have a prime seat. The lights dimmed, the curtains drew, and I was fed a mighty king-like feast…


    First off, do not see this movie. It is a waste of $12. You wanna rent it? It’s a waste of $5. Oh, you have a free rental coupon? It’s a waste of time.

    Our hero detective and heroine (obviously what the director must’ve been on: The drug, not the hotty actress) stumble upon a website that after viewing, kills people. Now this sadly is a lot like the ‘good’ movie The Ring (or the original asian version, Ringu.) Except this movie falters in the fact that, it sucks. After seeing this site you begin to hallucinate, until you end up killing yourself… because you know, you’re so scared you happen to stumble in front of a train, or jump out a window.

    As if this plot isn’t bad enough, we get a subplot about a deranged doctor that rambles on more monotonous and inane than a Minister. This guy's voice and spiels had me burying my head between my legs so I wouldn’t have to see the evil looks and gestures my friends were passing along. So our hero is being harassed and toyed with by this evil doctor while he’s on borrowed time; trying to figure out how to defeat this evil (and I use the term loosely) website.

Unfortunately, he does.

    He must kill Dr. Lunatic, the one villain who has been able to evade his capture. Meanwhile people die because of this website, and the deaths are either off screen or stupid. I want elaborate freaky deaths. I want to be scared – not watch people onscreen who are scared, otherwise don't call this a horror movie.

    Oh I want to mention something here, isn’t even the website, no no. See, it’s actually That’s right. is what everyone logs into, as is already a registered website in real life. How the hell would people stumble upon a name like that? Like one day some perverts gonna type '' and be blown away by a killer porn site. Right. Not to mention this operating system all people use looks a million times worse than anything Bill Gates could rip from his ass. Their OS is just a poorly textured text box. Wow, how creative.

    Back to the story, our heroes are near their end but of course find the doctor, kill his ass, but Stephen Dorff dies anyway. Between what little scenes of action we are poorly served, it is crammed with long boring dialogue, that is not appealing or catchy; just overwhelmingly boring - Which is why I'm not going to bother detailing out all the pointless details here. I can’t even go on with the movie anymore, because it’s making me angry just thinking about it. By the end of the film, I and at least one other friend were counting ceiling tiles, while another friend was kneeled between the seats banging his head on the concrete screaming, “Make it end, oh God make it end.”

You see, these actually look creepy. You can see where I was misled, right?

    They had the idea set, trying to fudge this thing out before The Ring so that it would seem like it wasn’t a rip-off. I could see this movie being good, if they hadn’t of fucked up on the deaths, the story, the plot, the subplot, the boring death inducing dialogue, and the horrible horrible acting. Just watch The Ring and forget this thing was ever directed.

    A lot of bad movies at least have the concept of humor in it. As in, it’s so bad it’s funny; and you spend a large part of the movie crying because you’re laughing so hard. This movie is so bad, I was crying at how I had just wasted my hard earned money, and I couldn’t show my face for a week in fear of my friends beating my ass.

I hate you