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Reach-around Wrestling Toys

The black lines are tread marks :)

    I hate wrestling. I will admit to the fact that I have a small army of M.U.S.C.L.E.S. figures, but I was a child then, and they weren’t based off ‘medical condition’ wrestling figures. I will now proudly state that I would rather play with tiny bright pink wrestlers than lay my hands on these precarious toys.

    I can vividly remember skateboarding (ok, I was on my ass, everyone else was boarding) through Toys ‘R Us, until me and my friends stumbled upon these. A wall of mighty wrestlers, which appeared to be in some serious pain. This is of course after one of my friends skated over a figure case, disfiguring the character inside. We stopped to observe the damage we had done, and were surprised the twisted horrified face in the package was NOT a part of the damage induced by our reckless shit-style boarding. The toys we examined were the “Back Talkin’ Slammers: Series One” and some accessories that rather caught us by surprise.

    As a side note: This is a MUSCLE figure. You will notice the superiority it holds over today's wrestling toys. There were 236 figures in the set I believe, ranging from humans, to robots, to aliens, to general freaks. This is the one toy a boy could play with, and not be ashamed that it was hot pink.

Lets have a looksie at what we stumbled (and crushed) over.

The Aneurysm Rock – Do you smell what The Rock is cookin’? Cliché I know, but hear my out. It must be a fucking aneurysm. That’s him, our mighty Scorpion King, looking like his eyes are about to roll back in his head and release a spray of white foamy saliva from his distorted mouth, preparing to die. Or maybe it’s the telltale signs of an impending seizure, showing that even beefy wrestlers are prone to medical bracelets and/or having to shoot needles in their butts or belly buttons to stay alive.

Constipated Diarrhea Prone Triple H – “The Imodium! The Metamucil! It does nothing!” It would appear our friend Triple H has decided to drop the beefcake and try some Jack-in-the-Box; causing of course, some quite irritable bowels. While Jack clogs our hero’s arteries and bugs up the escape hatch for this stomach churning and death inducing food, Triple H decides to wrestle on… While his ass screams ‘no more!’

Oh goody, here’s another toy I found of Triple H. What’s he doing? Forcing a bowel movement or trying to turn Super Saiyan?

‘Passing Gull Stone’ Austin – Look at the torment and pain on this guys face. You know what that look is. That’s the look of a man who’s passing a baseball size stone through his urethra. The pain. The humiliation. The penile bleeding. While I do not like wrestlers, I must admit, I feel for any man who must endure the pain of stone passing. His face will haunt me until the day I die.

    I don’t even know where the heck these guys are from, I think it’s from a new series of the aforementioned toy line. But just look at them. Is it mandatory to always make such stupid faces? Damn, this is like the Barbie for guys; a bunch of fairies that are barely dressed flashing us their rippling plastic leather-like muscles instead of plastic nipple-less boobs. Come on, you were all thinking in, I’m just stating the obvious.

Masturbation Frenzy Chris Jericho – While in a vain attempt to suck his own genitals, Jericho instead reverts back to hand to crotch method working up a vigorous arm exercise. Look at that, he even has hyper speed masturbation action complete with Mic-looking anal dildo. His facial expression? Screams nothing short of child molestation, or perhaps he’s sticking his tongue out in concentration to get that petrified pony-tail goin’ somewhere.

Stubborn Ejaculation Kurt Angle – This series must be the ‘Jack-off’ line, as this guy also follows suit with the hyper masturbation arm action. Look at that face. That is the face of a determined man, unwilling to give up now while steadying out so close to completion. If you see that face in the ring, it means you ain’t goin’ nowhere till he squeezes and rubs you down to the floor, for that seemingly forever ten second count molestation.

    Then there was the furniture and props. As large as the guys themselves, these toys were just as fake as the props they used in the ring. With giant sized garbage cans and tables, etc, you can tell the designers must’ve spent fuck-all time on making these things. I can’t remember the price off hand, but it was something atrocious like $15.00 for a garbage can, table, and chair.

Here's a pic I found of a box for your WWF 'action figures' that comes with fifteen pieces of furniture, wow! A little more size appropriate and what a great deal I'm sure. Now your wrestlers can hit each other with guitars, wheelbarrows and chainsaws, just like they do on TV! What a fucking joke.

    All we need now are some medical bracelet accessories, to dress up our Barbie-ish gladiators. I’d say these toys look bloody fake, but being modeled after a ‘sport’ that is nothing but fake in the first place, I have no basis for complaint. Frankly, I’m glad The Rock got his face crushed in by a skateboard… However I will be forever tormented by the looks of anguish and pain these plastic pansy soldiers seem to portray.